


Hanging Out is a Hernia

by Kameiko



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Banter, Bonding, Food, Gen, Halloween, Hanging Out, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26907343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kameiko/pseuds/Kameiko
Summary: The poor chocolate didn't ask for this.The deceased drone didn't ask for this.The curious cat did ask for an explanation with some stalking.Who asked foranyofthismess?No one. Absolutely no one!
Kudos: 2
Collections: Fic In A Box





	Hanging Out is a Hernia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FleetSparrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleetSparrow/gifts).



“Grayson, I will have your head cut off by my mother’s league and stuffed into the Jack-O-Lantern on our front porch!” Damian’s short fuse finally became the best of him. Waving his arms up and down like an angry headless chicken that just won’t fall over dead. Why was he behaving like this? Because Dick, his older annoying brother, decided they needed to spend some quality time together by going to strangers houses to collect candy. Damian wasn’t five years old anymore! Over halfway towards adulthood and Dick had the audacity to drag his behind out for some unnecessary danger for fun and games. Normally, father would disapprove with such shenanigans that would put anyone in a reckless situation being in Gotham and all, but no, father said that bonding needed to happen to help ascend towards a normal growth spurt in both body and mind. Candy does no such thing unless everyone decided to count the number of cavities they would receive tonight.

Dick patted Damian on the back. “Relax, Damian. You’ve never done this before, and I figure this would be a perfect time to take a very high-risk affect towards my own sanity.” Dick pointed to his costume that was just his normal Nightwing outfit with a few minor modifications. Meaning the sticks he carried around are made of foam instead of their typical metal. Damian wasn’t amused. Every clown in Gotham would have a feel day if they saw what they were carrying.

Hence his own Bo staff being made of foam that’s too dense to be held upright and just folded over when taken out of its holder. “See?” Damian smacked Dick over the head with it as hard as he could. A squeaking sound echoed through the bustling streets. A few patrons turned and grinned at how cute and amusing the brothers were acting. How embarrassing that Damian now used dog toys meant for rottweilers or some huge breed that likes to chew on large objects. He moaned and tightened his basket, trying his best at ignoring the flashing cameras and comments about how amazing their hero costumes looked. At least the candy basket was a normal pumpkin looking item. He wished it would explode in his face to end his misery.

Dick poised for a few more flashes before grabbing his little brother and dragged him to the first house in one of the suburban neighborhoods. “Ok, remember what I’ve taught you, Damian. Put on a smile and say, ‘trick or treat’!” Dick patted Damian on the shoulder and took a step back, leaning against the porches support beam and gave a thumbs up. His cockiness of confidence will be his downfall.

Damian muttered something along the lines of: what would they do if I said trick? But he was sure his idiot brother chose not to hear him or purposely avoided giving an answer. Giving a final sigh towards his damnation, Damian ringed the doorbell and held out his container to receive chocolate he was just going to throw away later. The door opened to a sweet old lady with a bunch of cats at her feet. She adjusted her glasses and squinted at Damian. “Well! What are you supposed to be, young child? You’re so colorful and cute looking! Back in my day we wore capes and pretended to be superheroes too! One day you’ll grow up to be the best superhero in your neighborhood! Why you’ll be ‘the neighborly colorful boy that helps people get their cat out of the tree’ man-man!”

Damian forced a toothy smile on his face that made the cats hiss and run away in agitation. Great. “Trick or Treat?” The woman pouted at her cats leaving and started to go on about how Damian wasn’t going to be a great cat herder if he couldn’t be more of a kind Cheshire around the felines. To teach him a lesson, she put the candy bowl to the side and pulled out another kind of bowl. A special one made for people who didn’t like Halloween or cats. It was a bowl full of socks with cute cartoon cat designs on them. She tossed a pair in Damian’s bucket and then wagged her finger at him while slowly closing the door behind her.

A laugher could be heard behind Damian that was mixed with tears. “Laugh it up, Grayson. I am going to shove this pair so far up your-“Damian didn’t get a chance to finish the sentence, because the granny opened the door to tell him to watch his language around the cats. Damian swore Dick almost laughed himself into a coma.

“I’m sorry! I just didn’t think your scary smile would do this!” Dick pulled Damian off the porch and across the street to the next house. “Think you could score me a new pair of shoes or maybe a pair of slippers? Mine are starting to wear down.”

“Stop sleeping with them on at night after you hangout with that girlfriend of yours in Burnside then you wouldn’t be needing a new pair every few weeks.” Damian ignored the string of complaints from Dick’s mouth saying that he should try fighting unusual crime when he gets a girlfriend then have to return back home the next day to get ready for work. “Whatever relationship I get into wouldn’t be a problem for me, because one…it won’t be any of your business and two…I would be smart enough to bring my normal everyday shoes!”

“Stop whining or I am telling Bruce that you failed this experimentation on socialization for sweets.” Dick ringed the doorbell this time and forced Damian’s lips into a proper smile that wouldn’t scare away anymore animals. Damian complained that his face hurt. “Tough it up, kiddo. Maybe you’ll get some Hershey Bar’s or Kisses.” So he could secretly give all the above to Barbara for a hopeful reward being a sweet kiss in return.

“Your brain is telling you the worst pickup lines again.” It shows all too well. He turned back and nearly jumped when a tall looming man with slick black hair in a nice black suit with his hands folded behind his back was staring down at him with very pointed eyebrows. He didn’t even hear the door open that was how sneaky he was. “How did you do that? No one, absolutely no one, has ever done that to me.” Dick coughs calling him out on his nonsense.

“I have the power of sneaky sneak against young men who look like they don’t want to be here.” The man pulled out a bowl of Halloween candy and shook it in front of Damian’s face. “You will take a piece of candy, and it will be the almond joy.” Damian felt compelled to do as he said.

“Woah! Woah!” Dick pulled Damian behind him and pointed a finger at the man’s face. “Who the Hell buys almond joy and expects a little kid to actually enjoy this besides the ridiculous pun in the name?”

“All the kids enjoy the candy I give out every year.” He doesn’t admit the second part where his wife ate all the regular good tasting candy, so now he was stuck with the ones she refused to eat, making him more diabolical than the average supervillain. “Please just take it. Your brother or whoever he is getting saliva over my perfectly good plastic dish.”

Damian instinctively grabbed the whole bowl and ran with it, laughing and screaming that this was his precious. If one is going to be a good supervillain, make sure to define what “it” was supposed to be before one loses their cheap Tupperware. Dick didn’t say another word and chased after the zombie stated Robin. “Wait! Damian! That guy shouldn’t have…whatever that was…over you anymore! You don’t have to do this! You can surrender the bad candy now and this will remain between us! But continue running like a maniac screaming that you received the best candy ever then I will have no choice but to tell Bruce that you let some lunatic League villain take over your mind, and we know how much you hate being one-up like that!”

Damian stopped and glared at his brother. True. This was almost as bad as walking into a Party City to see a cheap knockoff version of his costumed labeled as: the bird boy. Not even in the correct colors! Snorting, he threw the bowl down on the ground and stomped on all of it. Dick stopped him before he continued to put trash into the poor soil. “Damian! I was joking! Breaking out of his control is never easy! Personally, I am glad he put all this insufferable coconut on you! At least now he won’t be able to torture anymore kids. You’re a true inspiration to little kids and parents everywhere, Damian. Be proud.”

“I want to egg his house.” Damian was seething! He clenched his fists. “First I get these ridiculous socks-“ He picked up the balled up cats and couldn’t get the pungent smell out of his nose. The lady didn’t even do her best to make sure they were ammonia free or pre-packaged! “-then these candies from Lucifer’s bowels of Hell himself!”

“Wait…I have an idea!” Dick scooped up the remains and placed them inside the stinky sock. “Want to give the Lord a taste of his own medicine? He can’t mind control anyone if we choose to sneak up on him! What you say, little bro? Ready for revenge of the good guys?”

“Never say that to me again and you have a deal.” Damian extended his hand for the mutual gesture to be returned. Dick took it and then the two were off to give their advisory a piece of their mind, planning along the way on how they were going to leer the conniving madman out of his house. They had no idea. The man’s security system was locked and loaded to the T and he had this crazy cat that definitely had a “I hate Robin’s” detector, or maybe this was all cats. Damian didn’t know, he always considered him to be more of a dog and cow person and never understood cats.

Dick pulled out his binoculars and scanned the inner workings of the house. Damian questioned why he bothered to even bring those things! “Hush. You never know when you need to do some spying, and-look! His wife just drenched him with wine! Aw, man! I almost feel bad for him! Come on! Now’s are chance to move towards the back.” Dick made the assumption that the Lord was probably going to wash his face, but he failed to play the detective work, being caught up all in the moment, because there was a cat on the window sill growling at the pair.

Damian smacked Dick in the back of the head and pulled him back. “Good job there, bro! Now the cat is going to go alert that we’re here!” Then Dick also failed to remember the fact there was an alarm system, because one of Lord’s drones spotted them and sounded off the intruder alert system. Dick panicked and took Damian’s rotten sock and threw it as hard as he could at the drone. It smacked dead center in its eye, and it malfunctioned, causing sparks to shoot out and fall to the ground. The two used this to get away before a swarm came after them.

“I’ve never ran this hard or fast in my life!” Damian was out of breath by the time they made it back to the gates of Bruce’s manor. Dick agreed and collapsed down next to him. Short lived because they heard a meow right in front of him. The two looked forward to seeing that Lord’s cat had followed them home. The two exchanged looks and question marks floated above their head with curiosity. How the Hell did this cat follow them this far out? Must be Streaky teaming up with the local feline again.

Dick scratched the back of his head. “I know I said I wanted some quality time with my brother, but I didn’t think there would be a third wheel involved.”

“Never mind your dumb mind, Grayson. We need to figure out how to get this cat back to its creepy owner before he finds out that it’s here!” Secret identities being revealed wasn’t part of the party planning to do list, and Bruce would be very upset if he finds mice offerings in his shoes the next morning if they decide to bring her inside. What was the next course of action? Who could they call to help them out in a time like this? Dick knew the perfect person!

In less than half an hour Selina appears in front of the two with her arms crossed and the look of amusement wasn’t present. “Boys, I know you two mean well, but I am not a cat whisperer.”

Dick tried to make sense of this with more Dick reasoning. “I know, but if the manipulative cat owner saw you were the one to bring the cat back then he would think you were the one who threw a cat sock full of candy at one of his security drones!”

“Don’t you think he would have found the chocolate by then?” Selina didn’t take it in account that the chocolate was either evaporated or melted into the fabric, leaving behind a horrible stench not meant for mankind to define or find valuable to their sense of smell.

Damian had enough. He stood up and planted both of his feet on the ground, prepared to make any defense he needed for Catwoman to hear in order to get this cute thing off their property or far enough away from the forces of evil. “Look here, lady! I know my brother means well, but we have a serious crisis here, and I don’t mean like the time on infinite Earths! Lord knows when Lord will notice his cat is missing, and you need to put aside whatever pride you have to do as we say!” He pointed his finger up in the air to make a point that the stars will fall on all their heads with whatever mind manipulation their arch nemesis had plan for them!

“I doubt Maxwell even believes in another Lord other than himself.” Dick forced Damian’s hand back to his side and turned to Selina, half-expected for her to raise an eyebrow at them for acting like complete idiots, like brothers should when bonding with one another, but this wasn’t the case. She just stood there with her arms crossed, wearing a proud smirk on her face that screamed: you owe me for this. They both looked at her with a successful look of confusion on their faces till the realization hit them that they’re going to be blackmailed, badly.

Selina pretended to be blowing on her nails while swaying her hips side to side, skirting around the two brothers. “So, you have a cat problem, and you called the cat catcher to grab the yellow canary. What does this fine piece of diamond get in return, Dick?”

“You get the pleasure of my good forgiving pesky thieves graces when I get a sudden warning about a random piece of immaterial jewelry stolen from the museum of wherever you’re going to next week?” Dick ended his question with a Cheshire smile.

“Nice try but no. I value something worth a lot more to me than you can ever imagine.” Selina stopped her circling and stood in front of the gate. She placed her hands on her hips and cocked her head to the side when she spotted a single light on in one of the top window floors of the mansion. “I would like to go out for a nice dinner and visit a museum afterwards. One preferably with easily escaped windows and vents.”

“I am not available for such things.” Dick deadpanned a look on his face followed up by slouched over shoulders. “I am not your type and my brother would have a huge problem with this cutting into our bonding time.”

“No I won’t and she’s not talking about you, idiot! She’s talking about father! That’s his bedroom light she’s gawking at.” Damian used his foamy Bo staff to knock Grayson in the back of the head. “Get your head out of the gutter and just agree to her terms before we’re all cooked rancid meat!” Damian kindly pointed to the cat that looked like it was ready to pounce on them for all the loud noise surrounding her ears.

“Fine!” Dick grabbed the staff and threw it to the side. “Fetch.” The cat was not amused as she swished her tail back and forth. “Ok, plan B.” Dick turned to Selina and stood straight up with his chest puffed out as if he were fighting his last march. “You got a deal with me, you cat fiend, but getting Bruce to agree is an understatement.”

“You’ll find a way. Now, let me take care of your feline friend here.” She bent down to the cat’s level and picked her up, cuddling the fury feline close to her chest as she scratched behind her ears. “I’ve never actually sat down and had a conversation with a cat before.”

Dick quickly shoved Selina off the remainder of their property. “Great! Great! Your feline empathy is showing all too well and doing us a big favor! Now hurry and get this cat back to God, or we’re all going to be ashes a new by morning!”

“So pushy!” Selina delicately moved out of the way, causing Dick to fall on his face. Damian could be heard laughing in the background. “See you on the news next Friday!” She hinted that was the day she wanted the date to happen but never specified the time…or which museum premiere was happening that night. Sigh, Dick was going to be spending the next day doing a bit of research he just knew it.

Damian kicked Dick lightly in the butt. “Hello! Big Brother Grayson! Don’t forget about me here! You still owe me a fun night of trick-or-treating! So far I am not having fun!” That wasn’t entirely true. He did witness potential bribery and an evil mastermind electronic explode. In fact, even though nothing good went into his favor, he could use this as potential blackmail himself to get the things he wanted the next day for some more quality time together…the Damian Way of course. There was no other alternative for Dick unless he wanted to never hear the end of father’s scolding wrath, and if he did try to get out of it? Damian just had to remind Dick of the security cameras placed on the pedestals of the front gate.

“I could just wipe them clean.” Dick countered Damian’s insolence with his own pettiness.

Damian wasn’t about to back down. “Only works if you don’t have a direct line to Alfred. Did you get that, Alfred?”

Dick heard the Butler’s “loud and clear” over his own communicator. Dick closed his eyes and held his hands up in defeat. “Fine. You win, little brother. What would you like to do now?”

Damian grinned evilly. “Egg a certain God complex man’s house of course. What else do you think I want to do?”

“Stay inside for the rest of the night so we don’t end up on TV as imposters running around causing a menace to society?” Dick wasn’t doing anyone any favors for himself and Damian gave him a pointed look. Dick sighed again for what felt like the umpteenth time that night. “Fine, but I am ditching you if we’re caught by the police.”

“Deal.”


End file.
